I think I died a long time ago.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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