Soap is not a condiment
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
