All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
