New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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