I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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