A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
