my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i love accidental penises.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
