This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
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