Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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