He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
