i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
