I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
