I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
COCAINE IS GR8
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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