God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
please don't ironically join a cult
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