Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
