if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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