I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
