All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
