he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
