The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
