I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I deserve this hangover.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
