my phone needs a breathalizer
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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