ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
No stitches, just platelets and will power
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
