I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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