Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
