i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize