is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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