we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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