he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
