look no pants
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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