you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
