put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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