There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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