i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
