Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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