I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
