this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
4 words: hood of his car
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
