Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
