Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
