Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
