if you like me you must not know who I am
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
