you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize