$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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