What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize