oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
