I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
