Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
