If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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