ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
