so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
