I hate your face
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
