Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
