my mouth tastes like poor choices
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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