I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
